my life

10 years ago I was a senior high school student with no clear direction on where I wanted my life to be. I was afraid post college I'd never see my high school friends again and was worried about setting myself up to be cool at my new school, whichever one it would be. I worried about how I looked and acted in front of others. I cried about stupid things that I can’t even remember now but ten years ago it was those very things that made me.  I was excited for college but scared about it too. I desperately wanted to escape living with my parents so I could be an individual, so I could make my own decisions and so that I could be me. It was a scary year but a great year.

5 years ago I was a right out of college. I was living in a state that I knew no one in except for my boyfriend of a year. I was no longer surrounded by my peers and felt as if I had been thrown into a lion cage of new experiences, some scarier than others. I asked myself questions like “is he the one” and “how am I going to pay to get home for the holidays.” I worried every day about getting a job after college, I didn’t care what it was as long as it was a job. Calls with my friends went from daily to weekly and Thursday night TV night with the girls no longer existed. I attended a super bowl that year, went on vacation with my grade school pen pal and attended one of my college friends’ weddings. It was a scary year but a great year.

Today, I still talk to high school friends but am equally as gratefully for my college friends, 18 weddings later. I’m living in my birth state and living less than an hour from my family with my husband. I don’t worry about having a job any more, but instead I worry about having the right job and professionally I ask myself every day “is this really my career.” The independent me that I thought I wanted 10 years ago isn’t so much who I am any more. The worries and concerns I’ve had before seem not so existent anymore. I want to make decisions with my husband and spend time with my family and friends. Worries now aren’t individual worries at all but rather “where will we have Christmas this year” or “when can we afford to have kids?” It’s that second question that has pushed me back into this blog. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but I am really not sure where this blog is going to lead me. I just know for now, my focus and worries are in a question that is very much out of my control and having a spot to share that with and for myself seems to make sense right now.

With that said, I guess you could say, I’m back.