I understand that not everyone who followed me before wants to hear about my thoughts and feelings on adoption. I originally thought this was the best place to share my thoughts but I had forgotten how many people had me in their Google Readers. With as sensitive as adoption is to me and my husband I figured it was time to recreate a blog just for the purpose of our adoption story. I want people to chose to read my posts because they are interested in the subject matter not because it's in their reader. So if you're interested (which i am guessing you're probably not) but if you are check me out at http://journeytorockandroll.tumblr.com/

Today is a better day

Today is a better day as I found 3 new adoption blogs to add to my Google reader. Today, I am not feeling so alone.

http://chinaadoptiontalk.blogspot.com/
http://adoptiontruth-casjoh.blogspot.com/
http://www.firstmotherforum.com/

I felt sad

I was lucky to be able to host a friends baby shower this weekend. It was beautiful, the guests were great and the momma to be seemed happier than ever. I was doing great with the shower until my husband invited a few people over for dinner that night. Every female at that dinner was pregnant, one of them was on her 2nd pregnancy. For what felt like hours, I listened to conversations about what it was like, how it felt, what to expect at the birth, how the kids were going to grow up together.... the list never ended. Just normal conversations that one would have during the term of the pregnancy. I usually do great in these situations. I've faced the fact, we can't have children however, I still felt quiet and sad. I am not sure if it was because I was the stand alone case or because there was really that much pregnancy talk but regardless, I felt sad. Not in a way that I wanted them to stop talking, because listening to their excitement is inspiring and I am truely happy for all of them, but more in away that I think is human and expected. That night, I laid in bed and couldn't sleep as my emotions were having a terrible fight.On one side I was trying to convince myself that I was better than those feelings, those feelings that make me look week and vulnerable. But the other side was that I was sad and I couldn't help those feelings. After a long drawn out inner struggle, I finally was able to fall asleep. The resolution? I had to tell myself that I was what I was and I couldn't help my feelings plus, I was snuggling with the most amazing husband and pup that a girl could ever ask for.

Blog subscriptions

2 years ago I had subscriptions to over 100 wedding blogs.Boy oh boy does life change it 2 years. Here’s my most recent blog roll up including 68 subscriptions in my google reader:

23 wedding blogs

17 friend blogs (all with different categories but most importantly these blogs REALLY mean something to me)

9 DIY House Décor type subscriptions

5 daily fashion blogs

5 pretty photography blogs

3 post wedding blogs, you know about relationships and what not

2 dog/animal subscriptions

2 health and wellness blogs

1 social media dorky nerd alert blog

1 sorority blog (you guys what if I ever have daughters?)

And upping the list to 69 subscriptions I am adding one of my most interesting and heart wrenching reads on infertility and adoption grant writing. If it’s up your ally, you should check it out. http://www.aninfertileblonde.com/

my life

10 years ago I was a senior high school student with no clear direction on where I wanted my life to be. I was afraid post college I'd never see my high school friends again and was worried about setting myself up to be cool at my new school, whichever one it would be. I worried about how I looked and acted in front of others. I cried about stupid things that I can’t even remember now but ten years ago it was those very things that made me.  I was excited for college but scared about it too. I desperately wanted to escape living with my parents so I could be an individual, so I could make my own decisions and so that I could be me. It was a scary year but a great year.

5 years ago I was a right out of college. I was living in a state that I knew no one in except for my boyfriend of a year. I was no longer surrounded by my peers and felt as if I had been thrown into a lion cage of new experiences, some scarier than others. I asked myself questions like “is he the one” and “how am I going to pay to get home for the holidays.” I worried every day about getting a job after college, I didn’t care what it was as long as it was a job. Calls with my friends went from daily to weekly and Thursday night TV night with the girls no longer existed. I attended a super bowl that year, went on vacation with my grade school pen pal and attended one of my college friends’ weddings. It was a scary year but a great year.

Today, I still talk to high school friends but am equally as gratefully for my college friends, 18 weddings later. I’m living in my birth state and living less than an hour from my family with my husband. I don’t worry about having a job any more, but instead I worry about having the right job and professionally I ask myself every day “is this really my career.” The independent me that I thought I wanted 10 years ago isn’t so much who I am any more. The worries and concerns I’ve had before seem not so existent anymore. I want to make decisions with my husband and spend time with my family and friends. Worries now aren’t individual worries at all but rather “where will we have Christmas this year” or “when can we afford to have kids?” It’s that second question that has pushed me back into this blog. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but I am really not sure where this blog is going to lead me. I just know for now, my focus and worries are in a question that is very much out of my control and having a spot to share that with and for myself seems to make sense right now.

With that said, I guess you could say, I’m back.

Good Bye

I am random - Fact
I can't keep my blogs focused - Fact
I've deleted/deactivated 3 Facebook accounts and one twitter account in the past 2 months - Fact
I've already deleted one blog - Fact
My life is a jumble or as the husband would call it a cluster F*** - Fact

I am leaving this blog for now - Fact
I have now joined Tumblr (where I think hope my randomness will be more widely excepted) - Fact
You can now find me here - Fact

Minne may still make Minne Monday appearances from time to time well because I don't want my new Tumblr friends thinking I am obsessed with my dog (even though I am). So farewell, adios, Maanak parov, ciao, Orevwar, vi ses senare, chuu or however else you say good bye.

Butler - Sunday Edition

Only in Indiana, love it